MAGIC IN THE BIBLE

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"Seth lived 912 years... Enosh... 905 years... Kenan... 910 years... Mahalalel... 895 years... Jared... 962 years... Methuselah... 969 years... Lamech... 777 years..."

Genesis 5:8-31, Bible (NIV)

 

What's the secret to their longevity? No medicine? No bathing? Or just lies of the author?

 

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"Flood kept coming on the earth ... all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than fifteen cubits."

Genesis 7:17-20, Bible (NIV)

 

9 km thick global layer of water appearing from nowhere, then disappearing? Not a problem at all.

 

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"The Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah — from the Lord out of the heavens. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities"

Genesis 19:24-25, Bible (NIV)

 

Did children also deserve to be burned alive? God doesn't bother himself with such insignificant details.

 

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"The Lord said unto him [Moses]... Cast it [rod] on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent... And the Lord said unto Moses... take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand: That they may believe that the Lord God... hath appeared unto thee. And the Lord said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow. And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh... That they will believe the voice of the latter sign... If they will not believe also these two signs... thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land."

Exodus 4:2-9, Bible (KJV)

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"A man also or woman... that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death"

Leviticus 20:27, Bible (KJV)

 

God is a master of double standards. He commanded that people who perform magic should be executed, yet he taught Moses magic tricks to perform in front of Pharaoh.

 

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"The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he was not willing to let them go... Now the Lord had said to Moses, 'I will bring one more plague on Pharaoh and on Egypt... Every firstborn son in Egypt will die... and all the firstborn of the cattle as well.'"

Exodus 10:27-11:5, Bible (NIV)

 

God used Pharaoh as a puppet to have an excuse for committing atrocities not once, but ten times, ending with murdering the firstborn of every family. Injustice at its finest. And what did the cattle do to deserve killing it?

 

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"Do not allow a sorceress to live."

Exodus 22:18, Bible (NIV)
 

God was just watching while countless innocent men, women, and children were tortured and murdered because of his witch-hunting commandments. Moses should have told him that Voldemort isn't real.

 

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"Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu... offered unauthorized fire before the Lord... So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord... Then Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, 'Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community.'"

Leviticus 10:1-6, Bible (NIV)

 

God would have killed Aaron and been angry with his entire community if he'd mourned for his two dead sons killed by God's magical fire. How compassionate.

 

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"When the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the Lord burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp."

Numbers 11:1, Bible (KJV)

 

The violence of God is never justified. If he is almighty, then he can use other methods but chooses to use violence, meaning that he is violent by nature. He is abusive and sadistic since human beings cannot do anything against his power. He is what people usually call a "motherfucker".

 

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"Miriam and Aaron began to talk against Moses because of his Cushite wife... The anger of the Lord burned against them... When the cloud lifted from above the tent, Miriam's skin was leprous — it became as white as snow."

Numbers 12:1-10, Bible (NIV)

 

Miriam (a woman) and Aaron (a man) both talked against Moses, but "impartial" God punished only the woman.

 

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"Moses said, 'This is how you will know that the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea: If these men [the opposition] die a natural death and suffer the fate of all mankind, then the Lord has not sent me. But if the Lord brings about something totally new, and the earth opens its mouth and swallows them, with everything that belongs to them, and they go down alive into the realm of the dead, then you will know that these men have treated the Lord with contempt.' As soon as he finished saying all this, the ground under them split apart and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and their households... And fire came out from the Lord and consumed the 250 men"

Numbers 16:28-35, Bible (NIV)

 

Killing people is often an inseparable part of God trying to tell humans something. His interaction skills are so underdeveloped that he can't show up and say or do something more meaningful than killing.

 

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"The whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 'You have killed the Lord's people,' they said... and the Lord said to Moses, 'Get away from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once.'... The plague had already started among the people, but Aaron offered the incense and made atonement for them... and the plague stopped. But 14,700 people died from the plague"

Numbers 16:41-49, Bible (NIV)

 

God can be controlled by human rituals. He went into a killing frenzy but got deactivated by Aaron's rite. By then God killed 14,700 people for being confused and grumbling because he thinks grumbling deserves death. 

 

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"They [the Israelites] spoke against God and against Moses, and said, 'Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!' Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, 'We sinned when we spoke against the Lord and against you. Pray that the Lord will take the snakes away from us.' So Moses prayed for the people. The Lord said to Moses, 'Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live.'"

Numbers 21:5-8, Bible (NIV)

 

Mass murders of people by God for grumbling became a common practice. This time he did it along with teaching Moses some more magic he himself recently prohibited.

 

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"The Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and it said to Balaam, 'What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?' Balaam answered the donkey, 'You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.' The donkey said to Balaam, 'Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?' 'No,' he said."

Numbers 22:28-30, Bible (NIV)

 

Balaam and his donkey are having a chat. A talking donkey? No problem. Evolution? Too "unrealistic", primarily because many people never bothered to find out how evolution works. When you understand its mechanics, it makes a lot more sense than a talking donkey.

 

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"An Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman... When Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them, right through the Israelite man and into the woman's stomach. Then the plague against the Israelites was stopped; but those who died in the plague numbered 24,000. The Lord said to Moses, 'Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, has turned my anger away from the Israelites... He and his descendants will have a covenant of a lasting priesthood, because he was zealous'"

Numbers 25:6-11, Bible (NIV)

 

Killing to stop God killing is so Bible-ish. God was so pleased by "zealous" Phinehas impaling two unsanctioned lovers that he decided to stop his magical plague that already killed 24,000. A lasting priesthood reward was thrown in for Phinehas too.

 

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"I [Moses] stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights; I ate no bread and drank no water."

Deuteronomy 9:9, Bible (NIV)

 

Humans die after 3 days without water. Some record-breakers could last about a week. 40 days without water is way beyond reality, it's like a year without any food. Lies.

 

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"As soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the [river] Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap... until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground."

Joshua 3:15-17, Bible (NIV)

 

It says flowing water piled up in a heap. Wow, this would deserve a Nobel Prize, if only it weren't a fabrication.

 

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"The Lord said to Joshua, 'See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands... March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days... On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets... then the wall of the city will collapse'... The trumpets sounded, the army shouted... the wall collapsed; so everyone charged straight in, and they took the city."

Joshua 6:2-20, Bible (NIV)

 

Even if the collapse of the wall actually happened, there are more realistic alternative explanations for it, e.g. a man-made sinkhole underneath the wall. Marching and trumpets helped with distraction during the 7 days that were needed to prepare the "miracle".

 

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"And it came to pass, as they [Amorites] fled from before Israel... that the Lord cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died"

Joshua 10:11, Bible (KJV)

 

Do you believe in the Bible and laugh at stories about Zeus casting down bolts of lightning from heaven? Biblical stories about God casting down great stones from heaven are no better.

 

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"Joshua said to the Lord... 'Sun, stand still over Gibeon, and you, moon, over the Valley of Aijalon.' So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies... The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day."

Joshua 10:12-13, Bible (NIV)

 

Wouldn't inertia wipe out life on the earth? People believe that their God can do something such as halt the inertia of an entire planet because the narrator of their religious scripture tells them so. But if you can do all that, what is the point in stopping day and night so that Joshua can keep killing people, when you can just wipe them all out? It's ridiculous what hoops and loops God goes through.

 

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"Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he [Samson] grabbed it and struck down a thousand [Philistine] men."

Judges 15:15, Bible (NIV)

 

Killing 1,000 men is a very tiring task, and Philistines would use bows against melee-oriented Samson after the first few dozens are struck down. But let's not ruin a great story of the godly massacre.

 

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"He [Samson] told her everything... 'If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.'"

Judges 16:17, Bible (NIV)

 

No one takes the story about kryptonite weakening Superman seriously. Now, replace kryptonite with head-shaving and Superman with Samson, and billions of people become totally serious about it.

 

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"He [God] smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the Lord, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men"

1 Samuel 6:19, Bible (KJV)

 

God killed 50,070 people for looking into a metal box. God's love is truly unlimited but to a metal box instead of people.

 

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"An evil spirit from the Lord tormented him [Saul]."

1 Samuel 16:14, Bible (NIV)

 

God sends evil spirits to torment people and keep exorcists busy.

 

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"Samuel was dead... Saul... went to the woman [medium]. 'Consult a spirit for me,' he said... The woman asked, 'Whom shall I bring up for you?' 'Bring up Samuel,' he said... Samuel said to Saul, 'Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?'... [and the conversation with dead Samuel continues]"

1 Samuel 28:3-15, Bible (NIV)

 

Even if such summoning of the spirits of the dead were true, it's worth noting that you can easily summon a dead person for a two-way verbal conversation, but God can't be summoned. Is his schedule too busy? Or is he not too sociable?

 

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"Whenever he [Absalom] cut the hair of his head — he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him — he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard."

2 Samuel 14:26, Bible (NIV)

 

That is 2.3 kg (5 lbs) or hair per year. For comparison, a full head of dense 1.2 m (4 ft) long hair weighs about 225 gr (1/2 lbs). So, the Bible states that every year Absalom grew and cut an equivalent of 12m (40 ft) of hair.

 

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"When king Jeroboam heard the saying of the man of God... he put forth his hand from the altar, saying, Lay hold on him. And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up... And the king answered and said unto the man of God, Intreat now the face of the Lord thy God, and pray for me, that my hand may be restored me again. And the man of God besought the Lord, and the king's hand was restored him again, and became as it was before."

1 Kings 13:4-6, Bible (KJV)

 

Many "explanations" have been made up as to why such stunningly evident medical miracles do not happen today, but they are just excuses that really mean that these myths have no ground, and certainly can't be recreated to prove the skeptics wrong.

 

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"He [Elijah] got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb"

1 Kings 19:8, Bible (NIV)

 

That must have been really nutritional food and drink to keep him going for 40 days. There is only one type of meal that can do it. Fictional.

 

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"He [king] sent to [prophet] Elijah a captain with his company of fifty men. The captain went up to Elijah, who was sitting on the top of a hill, and said to him, 'Man of God, the king says, "Come down!"' Elijah answered the captain, 'If I am a man of God, may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!' Then fire fell from heaven and consumed the captain and his men. At this the king sent to Elijah another captain with his fifty men. The captain said to him, 'Man of God, this is what the king says, "Come down at once!"' 'If I am a man of God,' Elijah replied, 'may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!' Then the fire of God fell from heaven and consumed him and his fifty men."

2 Kings 1:9-12, Bible (NIV)

 

Burning people to death for no reason is a great way to prove you are a man of God. Magical fire from heaven can save you the effort of building your own bonfires.

 

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"Elijah took his cloak, rolled it up and struck the water with it. The water divided to the right and to the left, and the two of them crossed over on dry ground."

2 Kings 2:8, Bible (NIV)

 

Splitting waters is becoming mainstream in the Bible.

 

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"He [Elisha] took the cloak that had fallen from Elijah and struck the water with it... When he struck the water, it divided to the right and to the left, and he crossed over."

2 Kings 2:14, Bible (NIV)

 

The Bible couldn't avoid the mythology of artifacts getting into it. This special cloak in itself has the power to do magic.

 

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"[Prophet] Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. 'Get out of here, baldy!' they said. 'Get out of here, baldy!' He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys."

2 Kings 2:23-24, Bible (NIV)

 

God and his buddy Elisha, full of pride, kill 42 children for being children. Whoever thinks this is an appropriate reaction of mature personalities to childish jeering has a totally broken moral compass.

 

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"When [prophet] Elisha reached the house, there was the boy lying dead on his couch. He went in, shut the door on the two of them and prayed to the Lord. Then he got on the bed and lay on the boy, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands. As he stretched himself out on him, the boy's body grew warm... Then [Elisha] got on the bed and stretched out on him once more. The boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes."

2 Kings 4:32-35, Bible (NIV)

 

Apparently, CPR-like movements are essential to a miraculous resurrection.

 

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"The stew was poured out for the men, but as they began to eat it, they cried out, 'Man of God, there is death in the pot!' And they could not eat it. Elisha said, 'Get some flour.' He put it into the pot and said, 'Serve it to the people to eat.' And there was nothing harmful in the pot."

2 Kings 4:40-41, Bible (NIV)

 

Because of this biblical passage, there were likely plenty of people who believed that flour is an effective antidote and tried to cure poisoning with it. Surely none of them succeeded.

 

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"As one of them was cutting down a tree, the iron axhead fell into the water... The man of God asked, 'Where did it fall?' When he showed him the place, Elisha cut a stick and threw it there, and made the iron float."

2 Kings 6:5-6, Bible (NIV)

 

It would take radical violations of the laws of physics to make biblical miracles happen. But a no less interesting part of them is that due to a lack of understanding of those laws, fabricators of the supposed miracles tend to stop halfway. In this example, if someone can make an iron axhead float, then with the same ease he/she could make it fly above the water, completing the miracle of getting the axhead back into the owner's hands. But the author had no idea that floating requires the same phenomenon which would make it fly, so he stopped halfway. This is a common trait of alleged biblical miracles.

 

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"Elisha replied... 'The Lord says: About this time tomorrow, a seah of the finest flour will sell for a shekel and two seahs of barley for a shekel at the gate of Samaria.' The officer... said to the man of God, 'Look, even if the Lord should open the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen?' 'You will see it with your own eyes,' answered Elisha, 'but you will not eat any of it!'... Then the people went out and plundered the camp of the Arameans. So a seah of the finest flour sold for a shekel, and two seahs of barley sold for a shekel, as the Lord had said... and he [the officer] died"

2 Kings 7:1-2,16-17, Bible (NIV)

 

God kills those who question his words, but he does it only in the Bible. God wipes out entire nations for minor offenses or for worshipping other gods, but again, only in the Bible. In real life, nothing even close to it ever happens. In real life, only his fanatics can do something, because their God is impotent and can't do anything himself. He is strong only on the pages of the biblical fairy tale.

 

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"Once while some Israelites were burying a man, suddenly they saw a band of raiders; so they threw the man's body into Elisha's tomb. When the body touched Elisha's bones, the man came to life and stood up on his feet."

2 Kings 13:21, Bible (NIV)

 

Dead bodies coming back to life by touching the bones of those who couldn't beat death makes total sense.

 

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"And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the Lord went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand [185,000]: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses."

2 Kings 19:35, Bible (KJV)

 

A beautiful biblical story.

 

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"Isaiah answered, 'This is the Lord's sign to you that the Lord will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?' 'It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps,' said Hezekiah. 'Rather, have it go back ten steps.' Then the prophet Isaiah called on the Lord, and the Lord made the shadow go back the ten steps it had gone down on the stairway of Ahaz."

2 Kings 20:9-11, Bible (NIV)

 

God, upon a man's request, allegedly made the shadow from the Sun go back in order to demonstrate himself, but in the real world, he is unable to make even a single comment on social media to help people settle the debates down. God, can you?... But nothing happens.

 

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"The Spirit lifted me [prophet Ezekiel] up, and I heard behind me a loud rumbling sound... It was the sound of the wings of the [four-faced] living creatures brushing against each other and the sound of the wheels [full of eyes] beside them... The Spirit then lifted me up and took me away"

Ezekiel 3:12-14, Bible (NIV)

 

What's the most likely here: a man flying around and watching unearthly creatures with eyed wheels, or experiments with mind-altering substances, or a mental illness? The flying man, of course.

 

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"Nebuchadnezzar... commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace... and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace... He said, 'Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.' ... Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire... the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them."

Daniel 3:19-27, Bible (NIV)

 

God's skill in performing miracles has substantially declined with time; maybe God is getting Alzheimer's. The most spectacular public miracle that God can do today is to show up on a toast.

 

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"They brought Daniel and threw him into the lions' den... At the first light of dawn, the king got up and hurried to the lions' den... Daniel answered... 'My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me'"

Daniel 6:16-22, Bible (NIV)

 

God was unable to repeat this trick in real life in Coliseum with Christians and lions. His magic worked only in the book.

 

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"Whiles I was speaking in prayer... the man Gabriel... being caused to fly swiftly, touched me"

Daniel 9:21, Bible (KJV)

 

Another flying man. A fact or a fuct?

 

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"Half of the city [of Jerusalem] will go into exile... On that day his [God's] feet will stand on the Mount of Olives, east of Jerusalem, and the Mount of Olives will be split in two from east to west, forming a great valley, with half of the mountain moving north and half moving south. You will flee by my mountain valley, for it will extend to Azel."

Zechariah 14:2-5, Bible (NIV)