PERSONALITY OF THE BIBLICAL GOD
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"Have you [Adam] eaten from the tree that I [God] commanded you not to eat from?"
Genesis 3:11, Bible (NIV)
An all-knowing God knew this would happen when he planted the tree. This was a deliberate setup. How godly.
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"The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth... So the Lord said, 'I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created — and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground'"
Genesis 6:6-7, Bible (NIV)
Killing pets is a warning sign of being a psychopath. People would get God some help, but he drowned all the psychiatrists.
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"Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: 'Never again will I curse the ground'"
Genesis 8:20-21, Bible (NIV)
God: "I love the smell of burning animal flesh, it makes me feel a little more kind, and that's not weird for a superior deity, right?"
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"Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I [God] will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures"
Genesis 9:15-16, Bible (NIV)
God has memory issues. There's an app for that.
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"The Lord said to him, 'Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.' Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two..."
Genesis 15:9-10, Bible (NIV)
God: "I enjoy watching the violent slaughter of living creatures."
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"God said to Abraham, 'As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come... Every male among you shall be circumcised. You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you.'"
Genesis 17:9-11, Bible (NIV)
In God's opinion, mutilating the genitals of countless small boys is the best sign of a deal between two fellas.
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"Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people"
Genesis 17:14, Bible (NIV)
People say God looks at hearts. The Bible says God looks at penises.
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"The Lord said [to Moses]... 'I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt ... Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians.'"
Exodus 3:7-22, Bible (NIV)
God's holy commandment to plunder some bling. In God's name, of course.
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"At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it... So the Lord let him alone."
Exodus 4:24-26, Bible (NIV)
God was prepared to kill his best man but was appeased by the act of mutilating a child's genitals.
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"They [Moses and Aaron] said, 'The God of the Hebrews has met with us. Now let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God, or he may strike us with plagues or with the sword.'"
Exodus 5:3, Bible (NIV)
God is addicted to sacrifices. He gets really angry and starts striking people down with plagues and swords when he doesn't get his fix.
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"I [God] will send the full force of my plagues against you [Pharaoh] and against your officials and your people, so you may know that there is no one like me in all the earth... I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."
Exodus 9:14-16, Bible (NIV)
An omnipotent God was unable to show the rest of those around that he existed without beating someone down.
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"The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, 'These are the regulations for the Passover meal: ... Any slave you have bought may eat it after you have circumcised him... No uncircumcised male may eat it.'"
Exodus 12:43-48, Bible (NIV)
God has a real problem with men having their entire penis. Slavery, on the other hand? He's fine with that!
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"The Lord said to Moses... 'I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord'... Not one of them survived."
Exodus 14:1-28, Bible (NIV)
After committing genocide, God decides to top it off by slaying their army just to show himself off and gain some glory. All that's missing is a 'Bwa-ha-ha!' at the end.
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"He [God] said, 'If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.'"
Exodus 15:26, Bible (NIV)
God prefers threat-based relationship techniques and equates "not plaguing" to healing. Blackmailer.
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"The Lord will be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation"
Exodus 17:16, Bible (NIV)
God decides to be in a state of perpetual war with a nation and he needs his people to kill and be killed, instead of handling it himself.
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"Make an altar of earth for me [God] and sacrifice on it your burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, your sheep and goats and your cattle. Wherever I cause my name to be honored, I will come to you and bless you."
Exodus 20:24, Bible (NIV)
God feels honored by animal slaughter. Such an archaic bloodthirsty deity is too primitive to be taken seriously.
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"Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the Lord must be destroyed."
Exodus 22:20, Bible (NIV)
God's vulnerable feelings need to be protected... by ruthless manslaughter.
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"Do not hold back offerings... You must give me the firstborn of your sons. Do the same with your cattle and your sheep. Let them stay with their mothers for seven days, but give them to me on the eighth day."
Exodus 22:29-30, Bible (NIV)
God was really hungry for the blood of children — human and animal. But how kind of him to allow maternal bonding time before the sacrificial fire. Awww... To keep the voters, he allowed people to redeem firstborn sons.
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"Make no mention of the name of other gods, neither let it be heard out of thy mouth."
Exodus 23:13, Bible (KJV)
Yahweh is so insecure that he can't handle competition from other gods. Best just pretend that no other deities were ever created by people.
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"The Lord said to Moses, 'When you take a census of the Israelites to count them, each one must pay the Lord a ransom for his life at the time he is counted. Then no plague will come on them when you number them.'"
Exodus 30:11-12, Bible (NIV)
At least in some aspects God is consistent: insufficient funds and extortion.
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"The Lord said to Moses, '...your people, whom you brought up out of Egypt, have become corrupt...Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them...' But Moses said, '... Why should the Egyptians say, "It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth"? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people. Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel, to whom you swore by your own self: "I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky ..."' Then the Lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened."
Exodus 32:7-14, Bible (NIV)
A mortal outsmarted an infantile god. God's "justice" demanded a death penalty, but it was easily changed by the "what would the neighbors say?" argument of Moses and a reminder of God's own promise.
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"Moses said, 'Whoever is for the Lord, come to me.' And all the Levites rallied to him. Then he said to them, 'This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: "Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor."' The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died... And the Lord struck the people with a plague because of what they did with the calf Aaron had made."
Exodus 32:26-28,35, Bible (NIV)
God commands people to kill friends and family members who honor a different imaginary patron. God's feelings are hurt and he needs blood to calm down, lots of blood. For dessert, God strikes remaining survivors with a plague.
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"Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I [God] will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way."
Exodus 33:3, Bible (NIV)
God admits to having self-control problems and a lack of omnipresent ability.
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"The Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God."
Exodus 34:14, Bible (NIV)
Since when is jealousy a virtue?
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"Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk... Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I [God] have made a covenant with you and with Israel."
Exodus 34:26-27, Bible (NIV)
Apparently, stopping people from mixing meat with dairy when cooking is more important to God than, say, stopping slavery, which he endorses in the same covenant.
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"If someone brings a lamb as their sin offering... slaughter it... Then the priest shall take some of the blood of the sin offering with his finger and put it on the horns of the altar of burnt offering and pour out the rest of the blood at the base of the altar... and the priest shall burn it on the altar... In this way the priest will make atonement for them for the sin they have committed, and they will be forgiven."
Leviticus 4:32-35, Bible (NIV)
This is like killing your dog after you stole a candy bar because God won't forgive you otherwise. God has a twisted mind when it comes to imposing liabilities.
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"When the days of her [new mother's] purification for a son or daughter are over, she is to bring to the priest at the entrance to the tent of meeting a year-old lamb for a burnt offering and a young pigeon or a dove for a sin offering. He shall offer them before the Lord to make atonement for her, and then she will be ceremonially clean from her flow of blood."
Leviticus 12:6-7, Bible (NIV)
The only means of reproduction God gave humans requires an atonement, so it's sinful. Therefore, he made sinning and sacrificing unavoidable, unless all humanity decides to willingly go extinct. Fair game.
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"Any Israelite who sacrifices an ox, a lamb or a goat in the camp or outside of it instead of bringing it to the entrance to the tent of meeting to present it as an offering to the Lord in front of the tabernacle of the Lord... must be cut off from their people. This is so the Israelites will bring to the Lord the sacrifices they are now making in the open fields. They must bring them to the priest, that is, to the Lord"
Leviticus 17:3-5, Bible (NIV)
God won't accept a sacrifice unless it is made through priests, and any person trying to bypass the priests must be exiled. Looks more like an attempt to increase traffic and food supply for the priests.
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"You must not live according to the customs of the nations I [God] am going to drive out before you. Because they did all these things, I abhorred them."
Leviticus 20:23, Bible (NIV)
God's love is very, very, very conditional. After people commit some acts unsanctioned by him, he abhors entire nations. No trace of love left.
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"The Lord said 'Say to Aaron: ... none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles... because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary.'"
Leviticus 21:16-23, Bible (NIV)
God hates seeing people with physical limitations and deformities. He doesn't want them to "desecrate" his sanctuary by approaching it.
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"You must not offer to the Lord an animal whose testicles are bruised, crushed, torn or cut."
Leviticus 22:24, Bible (NIV)
The condition of the testicles of sacrificial animals is very important to God.
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"Anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death. The entire assembly must stone them."
Leviticus 24:16, Bible (NIV)
God is so weak emotionally, he can't handle any criticism with dignity and commands his followers to immediately murder whoever is not dancing to his tune without regard as to the validity of the criticism. Like some crazy delusional emperor.
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"If you follow my [God's] decrees and are careful to obey my commands... You will pursue your enemies, and they will fall by the sword before you. Five of you will chase a hundred, and a hundred of you will chase ten thousand, and your enemies will fall by the sword before you."
Leviticus 26:3-8, Bible (NIV)
God promises obedient followers to greatly enhance their killing skills because God likes when people kill each other and he wants more of it.
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"If you follow my [God's] decrees and are careful to obey my commands, I will send you... [wealth, health, victory, fertility]... But if you will not listen to me and carry out all these commands, ... then I will do this to you: ... [diseases, defeat, famine, death]"
Leviticus 26:3-39, Bible (NIV)
It's interesting how the Old Testament God never speaks of any afterlife benefits of obeying him. It's always only about worldly prosperity. Later prophets wrote just a few vague lines about the afterlife before it became mainstream in the New Testament. Yahweh clearly didn't expect such a dramatic change in his policies.
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"If you will not listen to me [God] and carry out all these commands... then I will do this to you:... You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters."
Leviticus 26:14,16,29, Bible (NIV)
Even Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot didn't go that far in their atrocities to force people to eat their own children nationally.
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"If you will not listen to me [God] and carry out all these commands... then I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever... you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you... your soil will not yield its crops, nor will the trees of your land yield their fruit... I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle... I will bring the sword on you to avenge the breaking of the covenant... I will send a plague among you, and you will be given into enemy hands... You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters. I will... pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you. I will turn your cities into ruins..."
Leviticus 26:14-31, Bible (NIV)
So much of God's limitless love in these verses.
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"Whenever the tabernacle is to move, the Levites are to take it down, and whenever the tabernacle is to be set up, the Levites shall do it. Anyone else who approaches it is to be put to death."
Numbers 1:51, Bible (NIV)
"After Aaron and his sons have finished covering the holy furnishings and all the holy articles, and when the camp is ready to move, only then are the Kohathites to come and do the carrying. But they must not touch the holy things or they will die."
Numbers 4:15, Bible (NIV)
"They [other Levites] must not go near the furnishings of the sanctuary or the altar. Otherwise both they and you [Aaron] will die."
Numbers 18:1-3, Bible (NIV)
Possessive God takes "don't drink from my cup" to the level of murdering anyone outside his special small circle for approaching or touching it.
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"Nadab and Abihu, however, died before the Lord when they made an offering with unauthorized fire before him"
Numbers 3:4, Bible (NIV)
God is very particular about the kind of fire for the offerings. He kills people for violating the recipe.
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"Appoint Aaron and his sons to serve as priests; anyone else who approaches the sanctuary is to be put to death."
Numbers 3:10, Bible (NIV)
"They [Moses, Aaron, and his sons] were responsible for the care of the sanctuary... Anyone else who approached the sanctuary was to be put to death."
Number 3:38, Bible (NIV)
"Only you [Aaron] and your sons may serve as priests in connection with everything at the altar and inside the curtain... Anyone else who comes near the sanctuary is to be put to death."
Numbers 18:7, Bible (NIV)
Introvert God doesn't feel comfortable near strangers; he wants them all put to death upon approach.
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"The Kohathites must not go in to look at the holy things, even for a moment, or they will die."
Numbers 4:20, Bible (NIV)
Human life is very cheap for biblical god. Cheaper than taking a look at some metal dishes. If you look, you die.
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"The Lord said to Moses, 'Command the Israelites to send away from the camp anyone who has a defiling skin disease or a discharge of any kind, or who is ceremonially unclean because of a dead body. Send away male and female alike; send them outside the camp so they will not defile their camp, where I dwell among them.'"
Numbers 5:1-3, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't want to dwell among sick people. He wants them expelled rather than explaining how to help them or how to distinguish being contagious from being not.
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"When the altar was anointed, the leaders brought their offerings... For the Lord had said to Moses, 'Each day one leader is to bring his offering for the dedication of the altar.'... The total number of animals for the burnt offering came to twelve young bulls, twelve rams and twelve male lambs a year old, together with their grain offering. Twelve male goats were used for the sin offering. The total number of animals for the sacrifice of the fellowship offering came to twenty-four oxen, sixty rams, sixty male goats and sixty male lambs a year old."
Numbers 7:10-88, Bible (NIV)
God is the master host of butcher parties, he enjoyed watching 252 large animals be killed just to mark the anointing of the altar for him.
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"Every firstborn male in Israel, whether human or animal, is mine [God's]. When I struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, I set them apart for myself. And I have taken the Levites in place of all the firstborn sons in Israel."
Numbers 8:17-18, Bible (NIV)
Murdering all the firstborns in Egypt was a great way of setting them aside for himself. As for Levites, God doesn't care if they wanted it or not. He prefers puppet theater for his enjoyment.
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"I [God] have given the Levites as gifts to Aaron and his sons to do the work at the tent of meeting"
Numbers 8:19, Bible (NIV)
God giving people as gifts to his buddies, just like things.
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"If anyone who is ceremonially clean and not on a journey fails to celebrate the Passover, they must be cut off from their people for not presenting the Lord's offering at the appointed time."
Numbers 9:13, Bible (NIV)
Offerings are so necessary for God that he wants to exile those failing to satisfy his hunger.
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"When the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the Lord burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp."
Numbers 11:1, Bible (KJV)
The violence of God is never justified. If he is almighty, then he can use other methods but chooses to use violence, meaning that he is violent by nature. He is abusive and sadistic since human beings cannot do anything against his power. He is what people usually call a "motherfucker".
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"The rabble with them began to crave other food [other than mana]... The Lord said to Moses: '...Tell the people: "Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow, when you will eat meat"'... a wind went out from the Lord and drove quail in from the sea. It scattered them up to two cubits deep all around the camp... But while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the Lord burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague."
Numbers 11:4-33, Bible (NIV)
God has prepared a special scenario and set up the stage to perform another mass murder because he didn't like the "rabble" craving for food diversity, which is quite a natural craving.
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"The Lord said to Moses, 'How long will these people [the Israelites] treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me?... I will strike them down with a plague and destroy them, but I will make you into a nation greater and stronger than they.' Moses said to the Lord, 'Then the Egyptians will hear about it!.... If you put all these people to death, leaving none alive, the nations who have heard this report about you will say, "The Lord was not able to bring these people into the land he promised them on oath, so he slaughtered them in the wilderness".... forgive the sin of these people'... The Lord replied, 'I have forgiven them, as you asked. Nevertheless... In this wilderness your bodies will fall — every one of you twenty years old or more who was counted in the census'"
Numbers 14:11-29, Bible (NIV)
God can't just let people live on their own. He wants to kill whenever his pride is wounded. But once again Moses outsmarted God using the same "what would the neighbors say?" argument that he used before, along with some adulation. God "forgave" them without any sacrifices needed, but not without extending their wandering in the desert to make all who are 20+ years old die there slowly.
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"The men Moses had sent to explore the land, who returned and made the whole community grumble against him by spreading a bad report about it — these men... were struck down and died of a plague before the Lord."
Numbers 14:36-37, Bible (NIV)
God's range of "solutions" is very limited: killing, plaguing, sometimes burning. That's pretty much it; with a rare exception. These scouts brought unpleasant news by telling what they saw. God had a solution to that. Plague the scouts.
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"Moses said, 'This is how you will know that the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea: If these men [the opposition] die a natural death and suffer the fate of all mankind, then the Lord has not sent me. But if the Lord brings about something totally new, and the earth opens its mouth and swallows them, with everything that belongs to them, and they go down alive into the realm of the dead, then you will know that these men have treated the Lord with contempt.' As soon as he finished saying all this, the ground under them split apart and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and their households... And fire came out from the Lord and consumed the 250 men"
Numbers 16:28-35, Bible (NIV)
Killing people is often an inseparable part of God trying to tell humans something. His interaction skills are so underdeveloped that he can't show up and say or do something more meaningful than killing.
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"The whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 'You have killed the Lord's people,' they said... and the Lord said to Moses, 'Get away from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once.'... The plague had already started among the people, but Aaron offered the incense and made atonement for them... and the plague stopped. But 14,700 people died from the plague"
Numbers 16:41-49, Bible (NIV)
God can be controlled by human rituals. He went into a killing frenzy but got deactivated by Aaron's rite. By then God killed 14,700 people for being confused and grumbling because he thinks grumbling deserves death.
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"The Lord said to Aaron... 'You are to be responsible for the care of the sanctuary and the altar, so that my wrath will not fall on the Israelites again.'"
Numbers 18:1,5, Bible (NIV)
God's wrath is directly dependent on taking care of a few dishes and accessories. Can a god get any more outdated than this?
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"He [the Canaanite king of Arad] attacked the Israelites and captured some of them. Then Israel made this vow to the Lord: 'If you will deliver these people into our hands, we will totally destroy their cities.' The Lord listened to Israel's plea and gave the Canaanites over to them. They completely destroyed them and their towns"
Numbers 21:1-3, Bible (NIV)
God is always ready to assist over-revenging and wiping out a nation as per the request of his homies.
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"They [the Israelites] spoke against God and against Moses, and said, 'Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!' Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, 'We sinned when we spoke against the Lord and against you. Pray that the Lord will take the snakes away from us.' So Moses prayed for the people. The Lord said to Moses, 'Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live.'"
Numbers 21:5-8, Bible (NIV)
Mass murders of people by God for grumbling became a common practice. This time he did it along with teaching Moses some more magic he himself recently prohibited.
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"While Israel was staying in Shittim, the men began to indulge in sexual immorality with Moabite women, who invited them to the sacrifices to their gods. The people ate the sacrificial meal and bowed down before these gods... And the Lord's anger burned against them. The Lord said to Moses, 'Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord's fierce anger may turn away from Israel.'"
Numbers 25:1-4, Bible (NIV)
Only slaughter can cool down God's anger. Don't forget to expose dead bodies in broad daylight for maximum tranquilizing effect.
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"An Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman... When Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them, right through the Israelite man and into the woman's stomach. Then the plague against the Israelites was stopped; but those who died in the plague numbered 24,000. The Lord said to Moses, 'Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, has turned my anger away from the Israelites... He and his descendants will have a covenant of a lasting priesthood, because he was zealous'"
Numbers 25:6-11, Bible (NIV)
Killing to stop God killing is so Bible-ish. God was so pleased by "zealous" Phinehas impaling two unsanctioned lovers that he decided to stop his magical plague that already killed 24,000. A lasting priesthood reward was thrown in for Phinehas too.
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"The Lord said to Moses, 'Give this command to the Israelites and say to them: "Make sure that you present to me at the appointed time my food offerings, as an aroma pleasing to me." Say to them: "This is the food offering you are to present to the Lord: two lambs a year old without defect, as a regular burnt offering each day."'"
Numbers 28:1-3, Bible (NIV)
This daily "food offering" slaughter for God is just for a pleasing aroma he is so addicted to. God keeps going for two more chapters on how many animals should be killed for him to mark different annual festivals to keep his pleasing aroma addiction satisfied.
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"They warred against the Midianites, as the Lord commanded Moses; and they slew all the males... And Moses said... 'Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.'"
Numbers 31:7-18, Bible (KJV)
God wants them to slaughter all adults and children, except virgin girls that should be "kept for themselves" for a very obvious purpose. Unfortunately, religion makes many people so blind and deaf that they keep coming up with excuses to justify such actions as moral and right instead of questioning the book with a god like this.
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"The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, take the sum of the prey that was taken, both of man and of beast... and levy a tribute unto the Lord... and give it unto Eleazar the priest, for an heave offering of the Lord... The booty, being... thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him... the Lord's tribute was thirty and two persons."
Numbers 31:25-40, Bible (KJV)
God commanded to sacrifice 32 virgins for him as a heave offering along with plenty of animals. Classic.
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"The plunder remaining from the spoils that the [Israelite] soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man."
Numbers 31:32-35, Bible (NIV)
Virgins make a great war booty in God's opinion. Just like cattle.
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"Moses said to the Gadites and Reubenites, 'Should your fellow Israelites go to war while you sit here? Why do you discourage the Israelites from crossing over into the land the Lord has given them? This is what your fathers did... The Lord's anger was aroused that day and he swore this oath: "Because they have not followed me wholeheartedly, not one of those who were twenty years old or more when they came up out of Egypt will see the land I promised..." The Lord's anger burned against Israel and he made them wander in the wilderness forty years, until the whole generation of those who had done evil in his sight was gone.'"
Numbers 32:6-13, Bible (NIV)
God kills people who hesitate to wholeheartedly kill others in his name.
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"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time... but the Lord destroyed them... as he did to the children of Esau... the Horims... the Avims... the Caphtorims."
Deuteronomy 2:20-23, Bible (KJV)
God of destruction has no compassion for anyone. Giants, humans, animals.
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"I [God] have given into your hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his country. Begin to take possession of it and engage him in battle. This very day I will begin to put the terror and fear of you on all the nations under heaven. They will hear reports of you and will tremble and be in anguish because of you."
Deuteronomy 2:24-25, Bible (NIV)
The purpose of terrorism is "to put the terror and fear" on others as the passage says. God coaches his people for being good at it.
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"Sihon king of Heshbon refused to let us pass through. For the Lord your God had made his spirit stubborn and his heart obstinate in order to give him into your hands, as he has now done. The Lord said to me... 'Now begin to conquer and possess his land'... we took all his towns and completely destroyed them — men, women and children. We left no survivors. But the livestock and the plunder from the towns we had captured we carried off for ourselves."
Deuteronomy 2:30-35, Bible (NIV)
Let's recap what happened here. To trigger a conflict God used mind control to make king Sihon refuse to let the Israelites pass through his country. Then God commanded the Israelites to conquer the country and kill all civilians, including children. Don't forget to grab the plunder. This is like drugging a mayor and then killing the entire city for mayor being high. What a divine example of justice and morality.
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"You [Joshua] have seen with your own eyes all that the Lord your God has done to these two kings [Sihon and Og]. The Lord will do the same [genocides] to all the kingdoms over there where you are going. Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you."
Deuteronomy 3:21-22, Bible (NIV)
God likes wiping out nations for his pets, but he still requires people with weapons to make it happen.
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"God destroyed from among you everyone who followed the Baal of Peor"
Deuteronomy 4:3, Bible (NIV)
God can't figure out a better solution to losing popularity than killing infidels.
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"If you then become corrupt and make any kind of idol... you will quickly perish from the land... will certainly be destroyed."
Deuteronomy 4:25-26, Bible (NIV)
"Do not follow other gods... for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land."
Deuteronomy 6:14-15, Bible (NIV)
"If you ever forget the Lord your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them... you will surely be destroyed. Like the nations the Lord destroyed before you"
Deuteronomy 8:19-20, Bible (NIV)
Megalomaniac biblical God of death purges the earth of nations when he gets deprived of their attention.
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"When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations — the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites... you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy"
Deuteronomy 7:1-2, Bible (NIV)
For God so loved the world... that he gave his one and only nation a direction, that whoever stands against their interests shall not live but be exterminated. For God did not send his nation into the world to help the world but to commit genocides through it.
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"Those who hate him [God] he [God] will repay to their face by destruction"
Deuteronomy 7:10, Bible (NIV)
Think of a person who murders whoever hates him: a grumpy neighbor, a few folks at work, a kid who was rude to him. Wouldn't you say this is absolutely unacceptable and such a person has to be jailed or executed? Now, when God does exactly the same, do such acts immediately become "wise and fair" in your eyes?
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"Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones, cut down their Asherah poles and burn their idols in the fire... You must destroy all the peoples the Lord your God gives over to you. Do not look on them with pity"
Deuteronomy 7:5,16, Bible (NIV)
ISIL adepts invade territories of other nations, take them away, establish the law of their god there and kill the opposition. Biblical "holy wars" are the ISIL of the time. The parallels are very clear, even the destruction of religious legacy — statues, etc. — typically happens along with the activity of both groups. The only difference is that the biblical God took it even one step further, often "commanding" to kill not only the opposition but the entire nation including children.
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"God is the one who goes across ahead of you like a devouring fire. He will destroy them; he will subdue them before you. And you will drive them out and annihilate them quickly."
Deuteronomy 9:3, Bible (NIV)
God casts "+50 damage to infidels" to speed up the annihilation of the Anakites.
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"God... shows no partiality"
Deuteronomy 10:17, Bible (NIV)
Yes, he showed no partiality when punished all people except for his buddies, when he loved Jacob and hated Esau before they were even born, when he dumped all nations except the Israelites in the Old Testament, when he commanded to slay adults and children solely based on their origin, when he set different punishments for males and females for same acts, when he predetermined 144,000 guys to be in a special position in the heavens, when he chose some to become saved and others to eternally suffer for no reason... The list goes on...
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"If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, 'Let us go and worship other gods'... Show them no pity. Do not spare them or shield them. You must certainly put them to death. Your hand must be the first in putting them to death, and then the hands of all the people. Stone them to death"
Deuteronomy 13:6-10, Bible (NIV)
The quintessence of biblical family values: you have to immediately kill your children, spouses, siblings, and friends for an invitation to worship their imaginary friend instead of your imaginary friend.
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"If... troublemakers have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, 'Let us go and worship other gods'... you must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. You must destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock... burn the town and all its plunder... Then the Lord will turn from his fierce anger"
Deuteronomy 13:12-17, Bible (NIV)
It's hard to find words to describe the depth of madness of the biblical deity manifested in his serious anger management issues, his untamable dependency on human worship, and his urge to exterminate entire cities in which people have alternative preferences. And there are many more other manifestations of his troubled personality.
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"Do not eat anything you [the Israelites] find already dead. You may give it to the foreigner residing in any of your towns, and they may eat it, or you may sell it to any other foreigner. But you are a people holy to the Lord your God."
Deuteronomy 14:21, Bible (NIV)
Nationalistic God encourages to defile foreigners by giving or selling to them food too bad to eat yourself.
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"No one should appear before the Lord empty-handed: each of you must bring a gift"
Deuteronomy 16:16-17, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't want to see people without gifts for him. Gifts for God become gifts for the priests of course.
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"If a man or woman living among you... has worshiped other gods... stone that person to death."
Deuteronomy 17:2-5, Bible (NIV)
God gives people the freedom to choose. Choose to worship only him or to be executed.
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"When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. He shall say... 'God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.'"
Deuteronomy 20:2-4, Bible (NIV)
God likes helping one group of people slaughter another group of people. This is a key point in his election campaign and many bought it.
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"When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept... all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse... put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves... This is how you are to treat all the cities that are at a distance from you and do not belong to the nations nearby. However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them — the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites — as the Lord your God has commanded you."
Deuteronomy 20:10-17, Bible (NIV)
"Pro-peace anti-nazi" God provides details which nations should be exterminated right away, which nations should be offered an option to be enslaved before being exterminated, and which categories of people make a good war booty.
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"When you lay siege to a city for a long time, fighting against it to capture it, do not destroy its trees by putting an ax to them, because you can eat their fruit... However, you may cut down trees that you know are not fruit trees and use them to build siege works"
Deuteronomy 20:19-20, Bible (NIV)
God is sharing tips on how to be more efficient at killing people.
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"If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town... Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death... All Israel will hear of it and be afraid."
Deuteronomy 21:18-21, Bible (NIV)
God wants parents to kill their disobedient children so that others hear it, get afraid, and become submissive. God is so far behind in psychology that fear is the only family-building method he knows.
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"The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God."
Deuteronomy 22:5, Bible (KJV)
Cross-dressing Christians are a paradox. Building imaginary relationships with an imaginary friend that calls you an abomination for putting that piece of cloth on instead of this piece of cloth is a very backward kind of relationship, deserving a dismissal.
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"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord."
Deuteronomy 23:1, Bible (ESV)
God wants in his assembly only males with fully functional genitals. Any guesses why? ​
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"A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation"
Deuteronomy 23:2, Bible (KJV)
God doesn't want to hang out with you if your affectionate great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa pulled out too late. By the way, Jesus is technically a bastard.
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"No Ammonite or Moabite or any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the Lord, not even in the tenth generation."
Deuteronomy 23:3, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't want to hang out with you if your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa was born in an Ammonite or Moabite family. As if you or he had a choice as to where to be born.
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"Parents are not to be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their parents; each will die for their own sin."
Deuteronomy 24:16, Bible (NIV)
"Samuel said to [king] Saul... 'The Lord Almighty says: "I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt [~400 years ago]. Now go, attack the Amalekites... Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants"'"
1 Samuel 15:1-3, Bible (NIV)
God of inconsistency tells his followers that killing children for the sins of parents is wrong, but later insists that the Israelites completely annihilate all the Amalekites as an act of revenge for a one-time assault of the Israelites that happened around 400 years ago! Everyone who was alive back then died centuries ago. But God's craving for a massacre is much stronger than his analytical skills.
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"All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God:... [blah-blah for 11 verses]... However, if you do not obey the Lord your God... all these curses will come on you and overtake you:... [blah-blah for 53 verses]"
Deuteronomy 28:2-68, Bible (NIV)
This section contains 11 verses with blessings for obedience and 53 with curses for disobedience. No wonder God hesitates to help the world when his urge to punish is ~5 times stronger.
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"If you do not obey the Lord your God and do not carefully follow all his commands and decrees... The fruit of your womb will be cursed"
Deuteronomy 28:15-18, Bible (NIV)
God is trying to prove his love for people by threatening to curse the children of disobedient parents.
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"If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book... the Lord will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought"
Deuteronomy 28:58-63, Bible (KJV)
God's rejoicing about the destruction of people for disagreeing with him demonstrates what an underdeveloped personality he has.
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"Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the Lord our God to go and worship the gods of those nations... The Lord will never be willing to forgive them; his wrath and zeal will burn against them."
Deuteronomy 29:18-20, Bible (NIV)
"Merciful and forgiving" God will never forgive those who believe in and worship anyone but him.
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"He [God] will destroy these nations before you, and you will take possession of their land... The Lord will deliver them to you, and you must do to them all that I [Moses] have commanded you."
Deuteronomy 31:3-5, Bible (NIV)
God's military plans surprisingly coincide with the political ambitions of the rulers. Seneca said it well: "Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful."
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"The Lord said to Moses... 'these people will soon prostitute themselves to the foreign gods of the land they are entering. They will forsake me... And in that day I will become angry with them and forsake them; I will hide my face from them, and they will be destroyed.'"
Deuteronomy 31:16-17, Bible (NIV)
Before anything even happened, God deliberately plans to get angry, forsake, and destroy those who [according to his foresight] will not meet conditions of his allegedly unconditional love. Weak humans plot such scenarios. God could have been better than that, but he is not.
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"The Lord... abhorred them... for they are a very froward generation, children in whom is no faith."
Deuteronomy 32:19-20, Bible (KJV)
God of hatred gonna hate.
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"They made me [God] jealous by what is no god and angered me with their worthless idols... I will heap calamities on them and spend my arrows against them. I will send wasting famine against them, consuming pestilence and deadly plague; I will send against them the fangs of wild beasts, the venom of vipers that glide in the dust. In the street the sword will make them childless; in their homes terror will reign. The young men and young women will perish, the infants and those with gray hair."
Deuteronomy 32:21-25, Bible (NIV)
God will plague and kill even infants for idolatry despite the fact that they don't even know what a god is or how to worship it. There must be a diagnosis in psychology for such a mental condition.
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"I [God] will take vengeance on my adversaries... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, while my sword devours flesh: the blood of the slain and the captives, the heads of the enemy leaders."
Deuteronomy 32:41-42, Bible (NIV)
Can you feel how God relishes the scenes of brutal violence, how much he is looking forward to getting "drunk with blood" from the upcoming butchery?
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"The Israelites were unfaithful in regard to the devoted things; Achan... took some of them. So the Lord's anger burned against Israel... The Lord said to Joshua... 'Whoever is caught with the devoted things shall be destroyed by fire, along with all that belongs to him'... Then Joshua, together with all Israel, took Achan son of Zerah, the silver, the robe, the gold bar, his sons and daughters... Then all Israel stoned him, and after they had stoned the rest, they burned them... Then the Lord turned from his fierce anger."
Joshua 7:1-26, Bible (NIV)
God's "justice" demands burning sons and daughters if their dad grabbed a wrong item. Only then God's anger can cool down.
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"The Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."
Judges 1:19, Bible (KJV)
Almighty God can't beat chariots of iron.
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"The anger of the Lord burned against Israel so that he sold them into the hands of Cushan-Rishathaim king of Aram Naharaim, to whom the Israelites were subject for eight years."
Judges 3:8, Bible (NIV)
Money can't buy you love, but God can sell you a nation that he is unhappy with.
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"God sent an evil spirit between [the ruler] Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech... and Abimelech fought against the city all that day; and he took the city, and slew the people that was therein... And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech's head... and he died."
Judges 9:23,45,53-54, Bible (KJV)
God needs the help of evil spirits to achieve his murderous goals.
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"The Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him [Samson]. He went down to Ashkelon, struck down thirty of their men, stripped them of everything and gave their clothes to those who had explained the riddle."
Judges 14:19, Bible (NIV)
Guests of Samson's party found the answer to his riddle about the lion and honey. So, Samson, driven by the Spirit of the Lord, killed 30 random people to rob them of their clothes in order to give guests their reward. What a great Spirit!
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"The [Israelite] tribe of the Danites was seeking a place of their own where they might settle... they said to him [the priest], 'Please inquire of God to learn whether our journey will be successful.' The priest answered them... 'Your journey has the Lord's approval.' So the five men left and came to Laish, where they saw that the people were living in safety... at peace and secure. And since their land lacked nothing, they were prosperous... They [the army of the Danites] attacked them with the sword and burned down their city."
Judges 18:1-27, Bible (NIV)
This is what happens when some religions come to a country where people live peacefully, safely, securely, and in prosperity. The country becomes a bloodbath. Life becomes misery. This episode is an unrightful robbery of land and resources by means of invasion and war, and the biblical deity is all for it. This benefits those who schemed up "God's will" to excuse their greedy mercantile goals, theft, and murder.
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"He [God] smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the Lord, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men"
1 Samuel 6:19, Bible (KJV)
God killed 50,070 people for looking into a metal box. God's love is truly unlimited but to a metal box instead of people.
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"The Lord Almighty says: 'I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt. Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep'... Then Saul attacked the Amalekites... He took Agag king of the Amalekites alive, and all his people he totally destroyed with the sword. But Saul and the army spared Agag and the best of the sheep and cattle... Then the word of the Lord came to Samuel: 'I regret that I have made Saul king, because he has turned away from me and has not carried out my instructions'... And the Lord regretted that he had made Saul king over Israel."
1 Samuel 15:2-35, Bible (NIV)
God, who can see the future, was unable to see this one coming and regretted his decision to make Saul a king because Saul spared one person and animals during the genocide of Amalekites, which was God's revenge for a specific event that happened hundreds of years ago.
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"An evil spirit from the Lord tormented him [Saul]."
1 Samuel 16:14, Bible (NIV)
God sends evil spirits to torment people and keep exorcists busy.
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"An evil spirit from the Lord came on Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand. While David was playing the lyre, Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall."
1 Samuel 19:9-10, Bible (NIV)
Spirits from God make people drive spears into each other.
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"The Spirit of God came even on him [Saul]... He stripped off his garments, and he too prophesied in Samuel's presence. He lay naked all that day and all that night."
1 Samuel 19:23-24, Bible (NIV)
The Spirit of God makes people lie naked on the floor for a day and night and "prophesy". True biblical worship. Even Pentecostal services are not weird enough to match it.
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"David [a man after God's heart] also defeated the Moabites. He made them lie down on the ground and measured them off with a length of cord. Every two lengths of them were put to death, and the third length was allowed to live. So the Moabites became subject to David and brought him tribute... And the Arameans became subject to him and brought tribute. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went."
2 Samuel 8:2-6, Bible (NIV)
Sometimes God's greed is stronger than his ethnic purge intentions. A cord came in handy, didn't it?
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"Thou [God] hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me."
2 Samuel 22:41, Bible (KJV)
Love your enemies by killing them? God likes helping with that.
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"Solomon offered a sacrifice of fellowship offerings to the Lord: twenty-two thousand cattle and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep and goats. So the king and all the Israelites dedicated the temple of the Lord."
1 Kings 8:63, Bible (NIV)
Try to imagine that. 142,000 large animals were pointlessly killed to mark the dedication of the temple for God, who was very pleased by rivers of blood from this "celebration".
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"Then the Lord raised up against Solomon an adversary, Hadad the Edomite... and God raised up against Solomon another adversary, Rezon son of Eliada"
1 Kings 11:14,23, Bible (NIV)
God the Puppeteer strikes again! He can't do anything himself.
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"As soon as he [Baasha] began to reign, he killed Jeroboam's whole family. He did not leave Jeroboam anyone that breathed, but destroyed them all, according to the word of the Lord given through his servant Ahijah the Shilonite."
1 Kings 15:29, Bible (NIV)
"As soon as he [Zimri] began to reign and was seated on the throne, he killed off Baasha's whole family. He did not spare a single male, whether relative or friend. So Zimri destroyed the whole family of Baasha, in accordance with the word of the Lord spoken against Baasha through the prophet Jehu"
1 Kings 16:11-12, Bible (NIV)
God can't reach his goals without someone telling someone else to do something that will be interpreted as divine instruction. In reality, those were just political murders, pictured by every successor as God's will, so that common folk stay cool.
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"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'"
1 Kings 19:11, Bible (NIV)
The Old Testament God is much more localized compared to his upgraded omnipresent version in the New Testament. He moves to a specific location at a specific time, "passing by" someone.
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"The man of God came up and told the king of Israel, 'This is what the Lord says: "Because the Arameans think the Lord is a god of the hills and not a god of the valleys, I will deliver this vast army into your hands"'... The Israelites inflicted a hundred thousand casualties on the Aramean foot soldiers in one day."
1 Kings 20:28-29, Bible (NIV)
God the Butcher continues his death marathon, killing by hands of his followers 100,000 people because they called him a god of hills and not the valleys.
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"He [prophet] said to the king [Ahab], 'This is what the Lord says: "You have set free a man I had determined should die. Therefore it is your life for his life, your people for his people."'... Men took the princes [of Ahab] and slaughtered all seventy of them. They put their heads in baskets... Then Jehu ordered, 'Put them in two piles at the entrance of the city gate until morning... The Lord has done what he announced through his servant Elijah.' So Jehu killed everyone in Jezreel who remained of the house of Ahab, as well as all his chief men, his close friends and his priests."
1 Kings 20:42, 2 Kings 10:7-10, Bible (NIV)
Watch out, God kills merciful people. The basis for God's death sentence for the released person was that he called God a god of hills and not valleys. What a horrible crime! After Ahab spared the life of that "criminal", God commanded to kill the family and friends of Ahab for it. Fantastic!
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"I [prophet Micaiah] saw the Lord sitting on his throne with all the multitudes of heaven standing around him on his right and on his left. And the Lord said, 'Who will entice Ahab into attacking Ramoth Gilead and going to his death there?' One suggested this, and another that. Finally, a spirit came forward, stood before the Lord and said, 'I will entice him.' 'By what means?' the Lord asked. 'I will go out and be a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,' he said. 'You will succeed in enticing him,' said the Lord. 'Go and do it.' So now the Lord has put a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all these prophets"
1 Kings 22:19-23 = 2 Chronicles 18:18-22, Bible (NIV)
This example demonstrates God's other Trinity: Stupidity, Cruelty, and Dishonesty. God asks spirits to help him arrange the killing of Ahab. After the brainstorming session and clarification of details, God picked the solution which involves a lying and pointless attack of Ramoth Gilead for the sake of making Ahab die. God sent the deceiving spirit to do the job and made the prophets lie. This divine project is a joke.
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"[Prophet] Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. 'Get out of here, baldy!' they said. 'Get out of here, baldy!' He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys."
2 Kings 2:23-24, Bible (NIV)
God and his buddy Elisha, full of pride, kill 42 children for being children. Whoever thinks this is an appropriate reaction of mature personalities to childish jeering has a totally broken moral compass.
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"The Lord has decreed a famine in the land that will last seven years."
2 Kings 8:1, Bible (NIV)
No reasons or explanations are given before or after. God just felt like making people starve for 7 years. Sure, why not?
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"The prophet poured the oil on Jehu's head and declared, 'This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: "I anoint you king over the Lord's people Israel. You are to destroy the house of [current king of Israel] Ahab... every last male."'"
2 Kings 9:6-8, Bible (NIV)
This anointment accompanied by the murder of the ruling family — in order to replace it — is suspiciously similar to a typical old-school coup.
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"The Lord says... 'The underlings of the king of Assyria have blasphemed me... I will have him cut down with the sword'... His sons Adrammelek and Sharezer killed him with the sword"
2 Kings 19:6-7,37, Bible (NIV)
God: "People, ple-e-e-ease defend me as I can't defend myself. Kill your dad."
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"Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle."
2 Kings 21:12, Bible (KJV)
Very nice of God. How many verses in the Bible can you quote where he would bring such peace and happiness to a country, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle? God is only good at bringing evil, pain, and destruction.
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"God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it: and as he was destroying, the Lord beheld, and he repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed, It is enough"
1 Chronicles 21:15, Bible (KJV)
God's justice depends on his mood rather than a fair balance of crime and punishment. In this episode, God made his judicial verdict that Jerusalem must be destroyed, right or wrong, but later he changed his mind. By the way, God's foreseeing ability is not good enough to predict swings in his own mood.
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"One nation was being crushed by another and one city by another, because God was troubling them with every kind of distress."
2 Chronicles 15:6, Bible (NIV)
God the Troublemaker incites war all around.
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"Should you help the wicked and love those who hate the Lord? Because of [doing] this, the wrath of the Lord is on you."
2 Chronicles 19:2, Bible (NIV)
The "loving" biblical God gets very angry at Jehoshaphat for helping those who don't worship him.
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"The Lord aroused against Jehoram the hostility of the Philistines and of the Arabs who lived near the Cushites. They attacked Judah, invaded it and carried off all the goods found in the king's palace, together with his sons and wives."
2 Chronicles 21:16-17, Bible (NIV)
God deliberately arouses hostility in people. Starting hate wars is one of his strongest skills.
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"Amaziah king of Judah... sent this challenge to Jehoash... 'Come, let us face each other in battle.' But Jehoash king of Israel replied... 'Why ask for trouble and cause your own downfall and that of Judah also?' Amaziah, however, would not listen, for God so worked that he might deliver them into the hands of Jehoash"
2 Chronicles 25:17-20, Bible (NIV)
God works his ways by mind-controlling people to make stupid decisions.
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"They slaughtered the bulls, and the priests took the blood and splashed it against the altar; next they slaughtered the rams and splashed their blood against the altar; then they slaughtered the lambs and splashed their blood against the altar.... then slaughtered the goats... The animals consecrated as sacrifices amounted to six hundred bulls and three thousand sheep and goats... So the service of the temple of the Lord was reestablished."
2 Chronicles 29:22-35, Bible (NIV)
Splashing the blood of thousands of animals to reinstate the service of God's temple tells a lot about him.
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"The people of Israel... have not kept themselves separate from the neighboring peoples... They have taken some of their daughters as wives for themselves and their sons, and have mingled the holy race with the peoples around them... When I [prophet Ezra] heard this, I tore my tunic and cloak, pulled hair from my head and beard and sat down appalled."
Ezra 9:1-3, Bible (NIV)
Most theists would condemn the Nazi party for pushing exactly the same policy on people, but when their God does it, it's all good and even necessary. Sadly, the Bible often looks like Mein Kampf: Yahweh edition.
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"The Lord said to Satan, 'Have you considered my servant Job?... he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.' 'Does Job fear God for nothing?' Satan replied. 'Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has?... strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.' The Lord said to Satan, 'Very well, then, everything he has is in your power'"
Job 1:8-12, Bible (NIV)
A long chain of deaths, disasters, and torments follows this bet. God was OK with having all Job's children and slaves killed simply to prove to Satan his recruiting abilities. God is the supreme troll, begging for recognition at all costs.
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"You [God] hate all who do wrong"
Psalm 5:5, Bible (NIV)
"The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked... he hates with a passion."
Psalm 11:5, Bible (NIV)
Did someone say God loves the sinners? He hates them. With a passion!
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"I [David — a man after God's heart] hate those who cling to worthless idols"
Psalm 31:6, Bible (NIV)
Setting an example of hatred towards infidels.
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"The Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming."
Psalm 37:13, Bible (NIV)
"You laugh at them, Lord; you scoff at all those nations."
Psalm 59:8, Bible (NIV)
A very mature attitude.
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"Sacrifice and offering you [God] did not desire"
Psalm 40:6, Bible (NIV)
"'The multitude of your sacrifices — what are they to me?' says the Lord... 'I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats.'"
Isaiah 1:11, Bible (NIV)
So, endless animal suffering as per detailed sacrificial instructions was just God's joke, he didn't want it. Good job, God the prankster.
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"The Lord most high is terrible"
Psalm 47:2, Bible (KJV)
Oh, yes, he is. Do you say that's not what the original manuscript meant? Then why God didn't make the effort to proofread translations and preserve his message?
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"Consider this, you who forget God, or I will tear you to pieces, with no one to rescue you: those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me"
Psalm 50:22-23, Bible (NIV)
God will tear you to pieces if you don't honor him by tearing animals to pieces in pointless sacrifices.
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"Gilead is mine [God's], and Manasseh is mine; Ephraim is my helmet, Judah is my scepter. Moab is my washbasin, on Edom I toss my sandal"
Psalm 60:7-8, Bible (NIV)
It's hard to get more nationalistic than biblical god Yahweh.
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"The wrath of God came upon them, and slew the fattest of them"
Psalm 78:31, Bible (KJV)
God starts killing fat people when he gets angry.
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"He [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts"
Psalm 78:66, Bible (KJV)
Hinder parts are on God's mind.
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"He [God] shall fill the places with the dead bodies"
Psalm 110:6, Bible (NIV)
Based on the number of murders in the Bible, God loves this activity big time.
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"Since you refuse to listen when I [divine wisdom] call and no one pays attention when I stretch out my hand, since you disregard all my advice and do not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh when disaster strikes you; I will mock when calamity overtakes you"
Proverbs 1:24-26, Bible (NIV)
The divine way of reacting to being ignored is laughing at those who were struck by a disaster and mocking those who were hit by a calamity. God should have shown some reliable evidence to convince people to listen to him. But it's too difficult because there is none.
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"A rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding."
Proverbs 10:13, Bible (KJV)
"A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom"
Proverbs 29:15, Bible (NIV)
God's mind is so rusty that violence is the only educational method he knows, and he promotes it.
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"The Lord hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil."
Proverbs 16:4, Bible (KJV)
God makes people wicked so that he could punish them for being wicked — the way he made them. What a nice guy.
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"The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will."
Proverbs 21:1, Bible (KJV)
This means it was God who made Nero, Caligula, Hitler, and all other crazy rulers do what they did.
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"Blessed is the one who always trembles before God"
Proverbs 28:14, Bible (NIV)
God is so bad at building productive relationships that inducing a permanent state of overwhelming fear is his aspiration.
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"He [God] said... 'Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed.'"
Isaiah 6:9-10, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't want people to see, hear, understand, and be healed.
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"In that day the Lord will use a razor hired from beyond the Euphrates River — the king of Assyria — to shave your head and private parts."
Isaiah 7:20, Bible (NIV)
God — the private parts barber.
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"By the wrath of the Lord Almighty the land will be scorched and the people will be fuel for the fire... Each will feed on the flesh of their own offspring"
Isaiah 9:19-20, Bible (NIV)
Modern biblical theists have on average much better personalities than the god they believe in, despite the fact they don't realize it.
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"I [God] will punish... the wicked for their sins... Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives violated."
Isaiah 13:11-16, Bible (NIV)
What Would Biblical God Yahweh Do when he meets wicked people? Yahweh would dash their infants to pieces and rape their wives.
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"This is a people without understanding; so their Maker has no compassion on them"
Isaiah 27:11, Bible (NIV)
God has no compassion for those who have opinions different from his.
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"The Lord... will bring evil"
Isaiah 31:1-2, Bible (KJV)
An honest look at the biblical deity clearly reveals that there is much more evil in him than there is good.
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"I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life."
Isaiah 43:3-4, Bible (NIV)
God decides to make other nations and people a ransom for one nation which he likes. That's pretty much the definition of Nazism.
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"I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things."
Isaiah 45:7, Bible (KJV)
It explains God's behavior throughout the Bible. He creates evil to fight it and pat himself on the shoulder, at the same time burning billions of people in the everlasting torture of hell for doing evil that he created. God is great!
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"I [God] will make your oppressors eat their own flesh; they will be drunk on their own blood, as with wine. Then all mankind will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior"
Isaiah 49:26, Bible (NIV)
What a magnificent and holy way to demonstrate the "savior" status.
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"Why, Lord, do you make us wander from your ways and harden our hearts so we do not revere you?"
Isaiah 63:17, Bible (NIV)
God didn't bother answering this reasonable question.
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"Who eat the flesh of pigs, and whose pots hold broth of impure meat... Such people are smoke in my nostrils, a fire that keeps burning all day."
Isaiah 65:4-5, Bible (NIV)
Theists often claim that the pork problem is all about health and dietary suggestions but the book says that it's about God's attitude towards people who eat a pig. At the same time, he's good with those who eat, e.g., a lamb. It's about hatred for people, and about weird divine animal racism.
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"As for you who forsake the Lord... I [God] will destine you for the sword, and all of you will fall in the slaughter"
Isaiah 65:11-12, Bible (NIV)
Some people like to compare God to a wise father. But a wise father doesn't kill his children for not listening to him. A wise father also doesn't tell his children to kill other children who listen to their own fathers (e.g. Deut.17:2-5) Only narcissistic psychopaths do it. Like God.
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"I am full of the wrath of the Lord, and I cannot hold it in. 'Pour it out on the children in the street and on the young men gathered together; both husband and wife will be caught in it, and the old'"
Jeremiah 6:11, Bible (NIV)
God and his prophets are a terrible gang.
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"Do not pray for this people... I [God] will not listen"
Jeremiah 7:16 = 11:14, Bible (NIV)
God hates some people so much that he doesn't want anyone to pray for them.
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"The Sovereign Lord says: My anger and my wrath will be poured out on this place — on man and beast, on the trees of the field and on the crops of your land — and it will burn"
Jeremiah 7:20, Bible (NIV)
Animals and trees somehow deserved a death sentence from God.
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"The Lord, the God of Israel, says: Every wineskin should be filled with wine... I am going to fill with drunkenness all who live in this land... I will smash them one against the other, parents and children alike, declares the Lord. I will allow no pity or mercy or compassion to keep me from destroying them."
Jeremiah 13:12-14, Bible (NIV)
God craves amusement. Common plagues and death by the hands of invaders got boring. So, God got a bit creative and decided to make all people drunk and fight each other to death, parents and children. He also reminded himself to allow no pity, no mercy, no compassion. Exciting!
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"'You have rejected me,' declares the Lord... 'So I will reach out and destroy you'"
Jeremiah 15:6, Bible (NIV)
God is so immature and full of himself that he can't handle rejection without getting murderous in return. Like a crazy ex, but 10 times worse.
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"You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived"
Jeremiah 20:7, Bible (NIV)
God is all about the dirty tricks.
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"'Because you [Israelites] have not listened to my words, I will summon all the peoples of the north and my servant Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon,' declares the Lord, 'and I will bring them against this land and its inhabitants and against all the surrounding nations. I will completely destroy them and make them an object of horror and scorn, and an everlasting ruin.'"
Jeremiah 25:8-9, Bible (NIV)
When the Babylonian invasion reached the Israelite borders, God "decided" that he will devastate the Israelites and surrounding nations by the hands of the Babylonians, led by his new "servant" Nebuchadnezzar who didn't even believe in him. What a cheap trick to create the illusion of God's involvement.
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"All the kingdoms on the face of the earth... the sword I will send among you... I am calling down a sword on all who live on the earth, declares the Lord Almighty... At that time those slain by the Lord will be everywhere — from one end of the earth to the other. They... will be like dung lying on the ground... Your time to be slaughtered has come"
Jeremiah 25:25-34, Bible (NIV)
This passage is not about the apocalypse. God was taking pleasure imagining the global bloodbath he planned to perform very shortly; he was unable to make it happen though.
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"This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says about the houses in this city and the royal palaces of Judah that have been torn down to be used against the siege ramps and the sword in the fight with the Babylonians: 'They will be filled with the dead bodies of the people I will slay in my anger and wrath.'"
Jeremiah 33:4-5, Bible (NIV)
God promises to slay people for trying to protect themselves from the Babylonian assault. Why did Babylonians suddenly become so favored by God, despite they didn't even worship him? God is just trying to survive and maintain his image in changing geopolitical conditions.
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"They [Israelites] aroused my [God's] anger by burning incense to and worshiping other gods... Therefore, my fierce anger was poured out; it raged against the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem and made them the desolate ruins they are today."
Jeremiah 44:3-6, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't spare cities of even his favorite nation when it comes to burning incense to anyone but him and worshipping anyone but him, because to God human lives are nothing compared to not getting his fix of incense.
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"I [God] am watching over them [Jews] for harm, not for good; the Jews in Egypt will perish by sword and famine until they are all destroyed."
Jeremiah 44:27, Bible (NIV)
God executed a holocaust of his own long before another guy followed God's footsteps in 1933-1945. "Until they are all destroyed", God says.
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"That day belongs to the Lord, the Lord Almighty — a day of vengeance, for vengeance on his foes. The sword will devour till it is satisfied, till it has quenched its thirst with blood."
Jeremiah 46:10, Bible (NIV)
God gets satisfaction in murder and has thirst for blood. This passage is not a metaphor. It doesn't speak of the end of the world either. It speaks of specific physical actions towards a specific nation at a specific point in time in the past. There is no way to make it look OK without lying to yourself.
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"I [God] will cause an alarm of war to be heard in Rabbah of the Ammonites; and it shall be a desolate heap, and her daughters shall be burned with fire"
Jeremiah 49:2, Bible (KJV)
God will take a special pleasure watching daughters of the Ammonites burned per his arrangement.
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"You [people] are my [God's] war club, my weapon for battle — with you I shatter nations, with you I destroy kingdoms"
Jeremiah 51:20, Bible (NIV)
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"'I will make her officials and wise men drunk, her governors, officers and warriors as well; they will sleep forever and not awake,' declares the King, whose name is the Lord Almighty."
Jeremiah 51:57, Bible (NIV)
This time God will do a mass murder by means of alcohol intoxication. Even God gets fed up with military routines and tries something new from time to time.
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"Lord... Should women eat their offspring, the children they have cared for? Young and old lie together in the dust of the streets... fallen by the sword. You have slain them in the day of your anger; you have slaughtered them without pity... In the day of the Lord's anger no one escaped or survived"
Lamentations 2:20-22, Bible (NIV)
To people who use "it was the Old Testament" excuse: if Hannibal Lecter decided to stop murdering, you still can't ignore his crimes. The same goes for God.
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"You [God] have covered yourself with anger and pursued us; you have slain without pity. You have covered yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can get through."
Lamentations 3:43-44, Bible (NIV)
Think about it: the Bible says that God covered himself with a cloud to prevent prayers from reaching him so that he could continue slaying without pity. Brilliant at all levels!
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"The Sovereign Lord says to the mountains and hills, to the ravines and valleys: I am about to bring a sword against you"
Ezekiel 6:3, Bible (NIV)
God is totally losing connection with reality, threatening elements of landscape with a sword.
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"[God] said... 'Go throughout the city of Jerusalem and put a mark on the foreheads of those who grieve and lament over all the detestable things that are done in it... Kill, without showing pity or compassion. Slaughter the old men, the young men and women, the mothers and children, but do not touch anyone who has the mark... fill the courts with the slain. Go!' So they went out and began killing throughout the city."
Ezekiel 9:4-7, Bible (NIV)
Keep in mind that the term "detestable things" in biblical language has a very broad application: starting from worshipping anyone but biblical god, ending with not following any of 613 mostly nonsensical commandments. For God, mass slaughters are appropriate responses to thought crimes.
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"I [God] will tear down the wall you have covered with whitewash and will level it to the ground so that its foundation will be laid bare. When it falls, you will be destroyed in it; and you will know that I am the Lord. So I will pour out my wrath against the wall and against those who covered it with whitewash... who prophesied to Jerusalem and saw visions of peace for her when there was no peace"
Ezekiel 13:14-16, Bible (NIV)
God got angry at the wall that symbolized a peaceful future, and he decided to kill those who talked about peace too much.
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"If the prophet be deceived when he hath spoken a thing, I the Lord have deceived that prophet, and I... will destroy him"
Ezekiel 14:9, Bible (KJV)
God deceives prophets and then kills them for it. Perfect!
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"The Sovereign Lord says: As I have given the wood of the vine among the trees of the forest as fuel for the fire, so will I treat the people living in Jerusalem... the fire will yet consume them... you will know that I am the Lord."
Ezekiel 15:6-7, Bible (NIV)
God's dependency on human attention is so overwhelming that he burns people to get some of it.
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"They rebelled against me [God] and would not listen to me... So I said I would pour out my wrath on them and destroy them in the wilderness... But I withheld my hand, and for the sake of my name I did what would keep it from being profaned in the eyes of the nations in whose sight I had brought them out."
Ezekiel 20:8,13,22, Bible (NIV)
God is much more concerned with the opinions of neighbors than anything else.
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"I [God] gave them other statutes that were not good and laws through which they could not live; I defiled them through their gifts — the sacrifice of every firstborn — that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the Lord."
Ezekiel 20:25-26, Bible (NIV)
Apparently, God gave bad laws in order to defile people so that he could have an excuse to terrorize them to improve his ratings. Those who made this god up didn't really try to give him a decent personality.
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"The Lord says: I am against you [Jerusalem]. I will draw my sword from its sheath and cut off from you both the righteous and the wicked... my sword will be unsheathed against everyone from south to north. Then all people will know that I the Lord have drawn my sword from its sheath"
Ezekiel 21:3-5, Bible (NIV)
God is so desperate for popularity that he plans to mass slaughter good and bad people just for the sake of getting noticed. But many people will say this is OK; because religion tends to break the moral compasses of humans. Many will lie to themselves to justify the atrocities of the biblical god.
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"Thou shalt... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord God."
Ezekiel 23:34, Bible (KJV)
God, calm down.
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"The Sovereign Lord says: Bring a mob against them and give them over to terror and plunder. The mob will stone them and cut them down with their swords; they will kill their sons and daughters and burn down their houses... Bear the consequences of your sins of idolatry."
Ezekiel 23:46-49, Bible (NIV)
What Would Biblical God Yahweh Do when he meets an idolater? Right, kill them and their children.
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"The word of the Lord came to me: 'Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears'... and in the evening my wife died... The people asked me, 'Won’t you tell us what these things have to do with us?'. So I said to them, 'The Sovereign Lord says: I am about to desecrate my sanctuary — the stronghold in which you take pride, the delight of your eyes, the object of your affection. The sons and daughters you left behind will fall by the sword.'"
Ezekiel 24:15-20, Bible (NIV)
God is a master of storytelling. He killed Ezekiel's wife and forbade him to mourn for her simply to create an analogy with his plans regarding the sanctuary and many children. That was the whole point of the murder: just to tell a story.
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"I am against thee, and against thy rivers, and I will make the land of Egypt utterly waste and desolate"
Ezekiel 29:10, Bible (KJV)
God is angry at rivers.
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"I will summon a sword against Gog... declares the Sovereign Lord. Every man's sword will be against his brother... And so I will show my greatness and my holiness, and I will make myself known in the sight of many nations."
Ezekiel 38:21-23, Bible (NIV)
God's greatness and holiness are about making brothers murder each other. No price is too high in God's quest for fame.
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"The Sovereign Lord says: No foreigner uncircumcised in heart and flesh is to enter my sanctuary, not even the foreigners who live among the Israelites."
Ezekiel 44:9, Bible (NIV)
God hates uncircumcised people. There must have been a special job to check the condition of the foreskins of those who are about to enter the sanctuary. Seriously, there had to be dick-control at the entrance.
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"The Lord said... 'I will soon punish the house of Jehu... and I will put an end to the kingdom of Israel... you are not my people, and I am not your God.'"
Hosea 1:4-9, Bible (NIV)
Offended God doesn't want to hang out with the Israelites anymore.
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"They have made princes, and I [God] knew it not"
Hosea 8:4, Bible (KJV)
Sorry, God, that they didn't tell you, and you didn't know.
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"Even if they [infidels] rear children, I [God] will bereave them of every one... I hated them... Even if they bear children, I will slay their cherished offspring.”
Hosea 9:12-16, Bible (NIV)
God's later invitation to "let the little children come to me" looks quite hypocritical after everything he was saying previously.
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"Samaria... has rebelled against her God; they shall fall by the sword; their little ones shall be dashed in pieces, and their pregnant women ripped open."
Hosea 13:16, Bible (ESV)
God reminds us how delighted he feels when the children of infidels are torn apart and their pregnant women are butchered in Yahweh-style abortions.
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"'I will sell your sons and daughters to the people of Judah, and they will sell them to the Sabeans, a nation far away.' The Lord has spoken."
Joel 3:8, Bible (NIV)
God — the champion of children's rights.
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"I [God] will turn my hand against Ekron, till the last of the Philistines are dead"
Amos 1:8, Bible (NIV)
The character of the biblical god is a role model for how to be a genocidal maniac.
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"Shall there be evil in a city, and the Lord hath not done it?"
Amos 3:6, Bible (KJV)
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"'I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me,' declares the Lord. 'I also withheld rain from you when the harvest was still three months away... People staggered from town to town for water but did not get enough to drink, yet you have not returned to me... Many times I struck your gardens and vineyards, destroying them... yet you have not returned to me... I sent plagues among you... I killed your young men with the sword... I filled your nostrils with the stench of your camps, yet you have not returned to me'"
Amos 4:6-10, Bible (NIV)
God is puzzled why cutting food and water off, plaguing, killing, and exposure to bad smells don't make people want to follow him. Some good psychology books would help God understand the flaws in his methods, but he is too dumb to work on self-awareness.
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"'In that day,' declares the Lord, 'will I not destroy the wise men of Edom, those of understanding in the mountains of Esau?... Everyone in Esau’s mountains will be cut down in the slaughter.'"
Obadiah 1:8-9, Bible (NIV)
God hates wise people. They expose his flaws.
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"I [God] will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls."
Micah 1:8, Bible (KJV)
God, are you OK?
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"The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord takes vengeance and is filled with wrath."
Nahum 1:2, Bible (NIV)
In other words, he is a scumbag.
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"Many casualties, piles of dead, bodies without number, people stumbling over the corpses... 'I am against you,' declares the Lord Almighty. 'I will lift your skirts over your face... I will pelt you with filth'"
Nahum 3:3-6, Bible (NIV)
God dedicates lots and lots of room in the Bible to describe via prophets how infidel countries should be transformed into human slaughterhouses, but he doesn't bother providing any objective evidence as to why anyone should listen to his prophets who call people to arms to make it all happen.
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"'I [God] will bring such distress on all people... Their blood will be poured out like dust and their entrails like dung'... In the fire of his jealousy the whole earth will be consumed"
Zephaniah 1:17-18, Bible (NIV)
What a great attitude of the loving creator.
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"I [God] have decided to assemble the nations, to gather the kingdoms and to pour out my wrath on them — all my fierce anger. The whole world will be consumed by the fire of my jealous anger."
Zephaniah 3:8, Bible (NIV)
At this point God even stopped caring who is good or bad, all he wants is another global mass destruction of everyone. The flood didn't teach God anything.
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"'The silver is mine and the gold is mine,' declares the Lord"
Haggai 2:8, Bible (NIV)
The prophets are for profit.
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"I [God] am very angry with the nations that feel secure."
Zechariah 1:15, Bible (NIV)
That's why God is trying so hard to scare people.
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"No one could go about their business safely because of their enemies, since I [God] had turned everyone against their neighbor."
Zechariah 8:10, Bible (NIV)
God — messing up people's lives since 4000 BCE.
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"I [God] will remove both the prophets and the spirit of impurity from the land. And if anyone still prophesies, their father and mother, to whom they were born, will say to them, 'You must die, because you have told lies in the Lord's name.' Then their own parents will stab the one who prophesies."
Zechariah 13:2-3, Bible (NIV)
Family-oriented God wants parents to kill their children for a few unsanctioned words.
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"I [God] will gather all the nations to Jerusalem to fight against it; the city will be captured, the houses ransacked, and the women raped... Then the Lord will go out and fight against those nations... This is the plague with which the Lord will strike all the nations that fought against Jerusalem: Their flesh will rot while they are still standing on their feet, their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongues will rot in their mouths. On that day people will be stricken by the Lord with great panic. They will seize each other by the hand and attack one another... A similar plague will strike the horses and mules, the camels and donkeys, and all the animals in those camps."
Zechariah 14:2-15, Bible (NIV)
God makes the nations attack Jerusalem, he entertains himself by watching people fight, rob, and rape. Then he punishes those nations by plagues for doing what he just made them do, even the animals. Fantastic!
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"You rob me [God]... in tithes and offerings. You are under a curse... because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe"
Malachi 3:8-10, Bible (NIV)
Almighty God is unable to make money, so he needs yours.
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"An angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. 'Get up,' he said, 'take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.'... And he [Herod] gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under"
Matthew 2:13-16, Bible (NIV)
God tells Joseph to run away because God is too weak to stop the massacre of infants.
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"It [the kingdom of heaven] will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them... The man who had received one bag [of gold] went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money. After a long time the master of those servants returned... The man who had received one bag of gold came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.' His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest. So take the bag of gold from him... And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'"
Matthew 25:14-30, Bible (NIV); similar: Luke 19:12-26
Do you generate "interest" for God? If not, he will throw you away to the place of suffering. He doesn't give a shit about you, he only needs the interest you can give him. That's what Jesus' parable teaches.
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"The angel said unto him... thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son... Zacharias said unto the angel, Whereby shall I know this? for I am an old man, and my wife well stricken in years. And the angel answering said unto him... behold, thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words"
Luke 1:13-20, Bible (KJV)
Another punishment for hurting the feelings of supreme beings by asking adequate questions.
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"Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep."
Luke 6:25, Bible (NIV)
God wants people to be permanently gloomy and doomy. Remember to feel guilty after every time you laugh.
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"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
Luke 16:18, Bible (NIV); similar: Matthew 5:32;19:9
Arranged marriages + no right to divorce leaves you without a right to choose whom to live with or without. What a misery. And how about victims of abusive relationships? God wants to watch them suffer until the end of their lives, locked in their marriages, instead of giving them a chance for a new and healthy start.
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"There was a certain rich man... And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus... The beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died... and in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame. But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented."
Luke 16:19-25, Bible (KJV)
Think of someone you love. Imagine they didn't get "saved". Imagine being in "paradise" watching the ones you love crying in the agony of neverending torment. Paradise and hell are constructed in such a way that people can see each other and talk. The problem with biblical god's concept of paradise is that he expects his followers to enjoy forever watching others burn because this god has no idea what love is.
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"He that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God... The wrath of God abideth on him."
John 3:18,36, Bible (KJV)
God throws people to endless anguish for not believing stories from a book full of inconsistencies, absurdities, scientific mistakes, unfair resolutions, xenophobia, and glorification of brutal violence. What a reasonable God!
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"He [Jesus] saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him'... He [Jesus] spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes... The man went and washed, and came home seeing."
John 9:1-7, Bible (NIV)
Blinding a child for the purpose of glorifying himself is so Yahweh-y.
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"Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life."
John 12:25, Bible (NIV)
God likes when people are suffering. That's why he casts to hell those whose life is good enough to love.
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"The one who loves me [Jesus] will be loved by my Father"
John 14:21, Bible (NIV)
Another reminder of the conditionality of God's love.
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"Jesus is... the cornerstone. Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved."
Acts 4:11-12, Bible (NIV)
"Jesus answered, 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'"
John 14:6, Bible (NIV)
A note for those who think that Christianity doesn't exclude all members of all other religions from entering the heavens.
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"Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."
Acts 19:19-20, Bible (KJV)
Books are a threat to biblical god. They can defeat him. That's why he likes them burned.
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"They... worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator... Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another."
Romans 1:25-27, Bible (NIV)
God converts idolaters to homosexuals by force.
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"We have now been justified by his [Jesus'] blood... We were reconciled to him [God] through the death of his Son"
Romans 5:9-10, Bible (NIV)
"In him [Jesus] we have redemption through his blood"
Ephesians 1:7, Bible (NIV)
God needs bloodshed to become kind and forgive. There is a name for it: bloodthirsty.
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"[God's] law was brought in so that the trespass might increase."
Romans 5:20, Bible (NIV)
God increased the trespass so that he might cast more people to hell.
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"Before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad — in order that God's purpose in election might stand: not by works but by him who calls... 'Jacob I [God] loved, but Esau I hated'... God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden... the objects of his wrath — prepared for destruction"
Romans 9:11-22, Bible (NIV)
God hated Esau before he was even born and had a chance to do anything. This is how God chooses to hate people. Then he hardens those people and pours his wrath on them for it. Beautiful.
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"Salvation has come to the Gentiles to make Israel envious."
Romans 11:11, Bible (NIV)
God opened his door to other nations not because he cared about them, but because he wanted to piss off the one nation he loves. He couldn't cope with not being adored enough by them and came up with a revenge plan. Sick sick "love" of God.
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"Just as you [the Gentiles] who were at one time disobedient to God have now received mercy as a result of their [the Israelites'] disobedience, so they too have now become disobedient in order that they too may now receive mercy as a result of God's mercy to you."
Romans 11:30-31, Bible (NIV)
God's mercy towards one group is based on the behavior of another group which has nothing to do with the first group.
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"I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who... put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them... They deceive the minds of naive people."
Romans 16:17-18, Bible (NIV)
God wants you to keep away from counter-opinions because he can't provide any solid arguments himself, and he can't protect anyone from being "deceived", as if he doesn't exist. Oh, wait...
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"The unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."
1 Corinthians 7:14, Bible (NIV)
Children of unbelievers are unclean to God. He likes only one type of children and not the other.
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"It is written in the Law of Moses: 'Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain.' Is it about oxen that God is concerned? Surely he says this for us"
1 Corinthians 9:9-10, Bible (NIV)
God is not concerned about animals whatsoever.
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"If anyone does not love the Lord, let that person be cursed!"
1 Corinthians 16:22, Bible (NIV)
God's "Love me or burn forever!" attitude is the most unhealthy relationship imaginable.
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"Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men"
2 Corinthians 5:11, Bible (KJV)
The biblical god is a god of terror.
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"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers... What communion hath light with darkness?... Or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?... Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you."
2 Corinthians 6:14-17, Bible (KJV)
It may seem that it is the strive for purity that drives biblical demands to stay away from unbelievers, other than for proselyting purposes. But there is a more practical reason for it — reduce the chances that adepts abandon the cult.
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"Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."
2 Corinthians 9:7, Bible (NIV)
Generosity and sharing are great. But when God's marketing manager, who wrote this and who lives off of money given to him by believers, says that the degree of God's love depends on how much money they give, things start to smell fishy.
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"Christ... hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour."
Ephesians 5:2, Bible (KJV)
God: "Mmmm... That sweetsmelling savour of sacrificed human flesh. I'm lovin' it."
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"Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy"
Colossians 2:8, Bible (KJV)
When overdone, philosophy can become meaningless, but at a reasonable degree, it helps the person to think further, deeper, and broader than before, expand horizons of perception, and see things from different angles. Philosophy translates from Greek as "love of wisdom". God doesn't love it and doesn't want you to have it.
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"Jesus... rescues us from the coming wrath."
1 Thessalonians 1:10, Bible (NIV)
This whole story about Father-God killing his Son-God in order to keep himself from the wrathful endless torture of humans is such a drivel.
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"God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned"
2 Thessalonians 2:11-12, Bible (NIV)
Did you know that God casts people into hell for believing lies that he deliberately forced onto them? Outstanding judgment skills!
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"The law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious... for those practicing homosexuality"
1 Timothy 1:9-10, Bible (NIV)
Have you noticed that God does not condemn pedophilia anywhere in the Bible? He is fine with it. At the same time, two adults being together per mutual consent makes him very uneasy and he talks about it again and again.
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"In the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils... commanding to abstain from meats"
1 Timothy 4:1-3, Bible (NIV)
God hates the vegetarian diet.
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"Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need... The widow who is really in need... continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives."
1 Timothy 5:3-6, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't approve of widows who live a good life. Only permanently sad and needy widows, who pray night and day for help, are good widows.
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"Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear."
1 Timothy 5:20, Bible (KJV)
God can't say anything to a sinner himself. He asks people to generate fear of him in each other.
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"Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas... which some have professed and in so doing have departed from the faith."
1 Timothy 6:20-21, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't want people to explore alternative ideas. Is that because they are often more reasonable than his? Instead of coming up with better ideas, God tries to make people put themselves in a bubble. A god who doesn't want you to think is never your friend.
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"If we deny him [God], he also will deny us"
2 Timothy 2:12, Bible (KJV)
Such ultimatums from God may seem logical at first glance, but when a parent says and does things like "if you don't listen to me, I'm not talking to you anymore, and you're not my child anymore", it may look like "teaching" too. In reality that is immature lazy low-quality parenting, just like God's.
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"One of Crete's own prophets has said it: 'Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons.' This saying is true."
Titus 1:12-13, Bible (NIV)
This saying is pure Nazism in its ugly form. Unfortunately, God is a nazi throughout the entire Bible. That is one of his key characteristics.
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"The covenant of which he [Jesus] is mediator is superior to the old one, since the new covenant is established on better promises. For if there had been nothing wrong with that first covenant, no place would have been sought for another."
Hebrews 8:6-7, Bible (NIV)
God admits that his first covenant (the Old Testament) is crap, and this time he promises to do better.
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"The blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them... How much more, then, will the blood of Christ... cleanse our consciences... Even the first covenant was not put into effect without blood. When Moses had proclaimed every command of the law to all the people, he took the blood of calves... and sprinkled the scroll and all the people. He said, 'This is the blood of the covenant, which God has commanded you to keep.' In the same way, he sprinkled with the blood both the tabernacle and everything used in its ceremonies. In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood"
Hebrews 9:13-22, Bible (NIV)
God is obsessed with blood and death. In a bad way. Bloody god.
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"Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness [by God]."
Hebrews 9:22, Bible (NIV)
There are plenty of decent humans who can forgive without the shedding of blood. God can't. God is not developed enough for that.
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"It is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins... Sacrifice and offering you [God] did not desire... with burnt offerings and sin offerings you were not pleased... though they were offered in accordance with the law... Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins."
Hebrews 10:4-11, Bible (NIV)
God enjoys pointless ceremonies of death. The suffering of animals? It only adds to his exhilaration.
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"No sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay'"
Hebrews 10:26-30, Bible (NIV)
Biblical god can't provide any better evidence of himself than his competitors — other gods. Then he feels insulted that people do not choose him and feels the urge to avenge and burn them in raging fire for it. That god would not be worthy of worship even if he existed.
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"Without faith it is impossible to please God"
Hebrews 11:6, Bible (NIV)
Capricious God.
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"And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms"
Hebrews 11:32-33, Bible (NIV)
These maniacs introduced a huge amount of senseless bloodshed and suffering. But that's what God likes, and that's what he wanted them to do.
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"Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors"
1 Peter 2:13-14, Bible (NIV)
"The Lord knoweth how to... reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: but chiefly them that... despise government... These, as natural brute beasts, made to be taken and destroyed"
2 Peter 2:9-12, Bible (KJV)
It's interesting to observe how in order to survive in the flux of a changing political environment the biblical god changes his attitude towards infidel rulers, now that Israel no longer has an army. It shifts from killing said infidels to submitting to them in all ways. And now, on the opposite, dissidents deserve death.
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"God... did not spare the ancient world when he brought the flood"
2 Peter 2:4-5, Bible (NIV)
Jean Rostand has put it well: "Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god."
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"The present heavens and earth are reserved for fire, being kept for the day of judgment and destruction of the ungodly."
2 Peter 3:7, Bible (NIV)
Pyromaniac God is looking forward to setting the whole earth ablaze to watch the heathens burn.
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"The Lord... delivered his people out of Egypt, but later destroyed those who did not believe."
Jude 1:5, Bible (NIV)
It's because he loved them. You know, when you love someone, you kill them when they don't listen to you. True love.
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"Thou [God] hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created."
Revelation 4:11, Bible (KJV)
This means that God created hell for his pleasure.
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"I saw another angel... He called out in a loud voice to the four angels who had been given power to harm the land and the sea: 'Do not harm the land or the sea or the trees until we put a seal on the foreheads of the servants of our God.' Then I heard the number of those who were sealed: 144,000 from all the tribes of Israel."
Revelation 7:2-4, Bible (NIV)
Israelite god couldn't betray his nationalistic nature till the end of the Bible. He reserved a super special place in heaven for 144,000 last-day-Israelites.
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"I [God] will appoint my two witnesses, and they will prophesy for 1,260 days... If anyone tries to harm them, fire comes from their mouths and devours their enemies... They have power to shut up the heavens so that it will not rain during the time they are prophesying; and they have power to turn the waters into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague as often as they want... The beast that comes up from the Abyss will attack them, and overpower and kill them... But after the three and a half days the breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet... And they went up to heaven in a cloud... At that very hour there was a severe earthquake... Seven thousand people were killed in the earthquake"
Revelation 11:3-13, Bible (NIV)
God will grant his two assistants a bunch of deadly magical abilities so that they can plague the earth as often as they want. Then, after the beast kills them, upon their resurrection God will kill 7,000 people by an earthquake for some reason. Maybe that's his way of celebratory fireworks.
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"I heard a loud voice from the [heavenly] temple saying to the seven angels, 'Go, pour out the seven bowls of God's wrath on the earth.' The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the land, and ugly, festering sores broke out on the people... The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood... and every living thing in the sea died. The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs of water, and they became blood... The fourth angel poured out his bowl on the sun, and the sun was allowed to scorch people with fire. They were seared by the intense heat... The fifth angel poured out his bowl... People gnawed their tongues in agony and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores... The sixth angel poured out his bowl on the great river Euphrates, and its water was dried up... The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air... Then there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder and a severe earthquake... Every island fled away and the mountains could not be found. From the sky huge hailstones, each weighing about a hundred pounds [45kg], fell on people."
Revelation 16:1-21, Bible (NIV)
Satan is not the main villain in the Bible. God is.
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"I saw an angel... who cried in a loud voice to all the birds flying in midair, 'Come, gather together for the great supper of God, so that you may eat the flesh of kings, generals, and the mighty, of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, great and small.' Then I saw the beast and the kings of the earth and their armies gathered together to wage war against the rider [Jesus] on the horse and his army. But the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet... The rest [of people] were killed with the sword coming out of the mouth of the rider [Jesus] on the horse, and all the birds gorged themselves on their flesh."
Revelation 19:17-21, Bible (NIV)
Reveling in mass bloodsheds is something that biblical deity will never give up, not even by the end of the New Testament.
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"Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of [eternal] fire."
Revelation 20:15, Bible (NIV)
Imagine you gave someone you love directions to do something. Imagine they didn't follow your decree. Do you feel the urge to make them burn alive forever for it? Do you? Not even a trillion years, but forever, and ever, and ever with no ending of it. Would you do it to someone you love? No? If no, congratulations, you're better than biblical god, who is a side effect that homo sapiens have to pay for some of the beneficial functions developed in their brain in the course of evolution.
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THERE ARE MORE VERSES IN A SIMILAR VEIN BUT THE ONES ABOVE ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE THE POINT
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